永远不要对她说的话

yiding_he 2007-05-12

（尝试翻译 David DeAngelo 的读者来信。写完一看觉得实在是差劲……）

来信：
最近我喜欢上了一个女孩，很喜欢。我们天天在一起，我们身边的人都说我们是一对。我们关系融洽，但是我不想先表白。我和她的一个朋友关系也很好，这位朋友告诉我说她非常喜欢我，只是她缺乏同异性交往的经验。

她真的是又漂亮又温柔，我也搞不清怎么回事。我真的很想告诉她我喜欢她，但是您在您的书上说要让女人先表白。她那么害羞，肯定是不行的了。那么我先表白应该没什么关系吧？我知道您认为我不应该天天跟她在一起，但每天都是她打电话给我，我实在不能让她失望。希望您能给我一点意见，谢谢。

回信：
不错，今天你很走运，因为我今天给你的忠告可以说是无价的。

首先让我来段激昂、含糊、费解、不知所云的话，然后我们再来说些有意思的。

首先我要批评你，你根本没注意听我说的话，以至于现在为这种小事情困扰。把同一个概念在不同的场合翻来覆去的讲令我厌烦，但看来还是有人没搞懂。

你在信中说，“我真的很想告诉她我喜欢她，但是您在您的书上说要让女人先表白”，注意，请注意，我没有说过要让女人先表白。

让女人“先”表白，就意味着你要表白回去。我没有说过要你做“表白回去”或者“待会表白回去”或者诸如此类的事情。

为什么我要澄清这点呢？因为表白这种行为，是再糟糕不过的了。如果你想让她知道你喜欢她，最好的方式是让她感觉到你已经完全投入到你们的关系中了。

“向她表白”和“很想向她表白”是不一样的。它们都不是什么好事，不过它们产生的影响不一样。

向她表白是件坏事，它将两人关系中的不可思议、惊喜、神秘感、性兴奋(sexual tension)，以及两人身体中的(激情)化学物质全部一扫而净。

“很想向她表白”，然后问我如何表白，是件坏事，因为这么做说明你没搞懂。

你在信中说她缺乏同异性交往的经验。如果真是这样，那你就麻烦了。——对吧，她搞不好已经爱上你了。她和你交往频繁，而你又不温不火，她说不定哪天半夜会开车把你拖到拉斯维加斯来场婚礼。

如果女人缺乏这方面经验，就一定不要“逼得太紧”，要降降温，或者来点“Cocky & Funny”。这样做对你和她来说都有好处。

怎么做……

我们先来谈谈吸引。为什么某些人对别人有吸引力，其中的原因很难对那些自身没有什么吸引力的人解释清楚。不过如果你发现你对别人有吸引力，你自然会希望它变得更强。

“表白”这种行为，正是在这方面产生了不良影响。因为当你说“我喜欢你”时，在她看来就意味着：

“他承认他喜欢我。他把主动权全交给了我。……奇怪，我不再像刚才那么喜欢他了。”

我知道这听起来不可理喻，但这就是通常所实际发生的。男人突然变得像嗷嗷待哺的小猫，整个情况都变了，可能产生各种各样的后果，然而不管怎么样，这样做绝不会增加他的吸引力。

如果你要想“告诉”她你喜欢她，最好的方式便是有所行动，或者说更进一步。如果实际行动更加能说明问题，就不要去耍嘴皮子。

记得我网站上的“亲吻技巧”那篇文章吗？试试看。记得那本叫“性的秘密”的小册子吗？试试看。

但是不要试着去“表白”。当然了，除非你想开车去拉斯维加斯。

最后，关于你说的“每天都是她打电话给我，我实在不能让她失望”，我给你一点意见：

让她失望。

我知道，我知道……抓住主动权。

如果你爱上一个女孩，想要和她结婚生子，开着白色小货车送你们的孩子去练足球，并且穿很多Dockers的服装，那么就忘了我跟你说的话吧。

谁知道呢，你也许就这样找到了我们都奢望的那种万中挑一的好夫人。但是，如果你现在要做的只是更进一步的话，你应该拿出你的行动，而不是言语。

（注：橙色部分为 swflora 翻译）
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附原文：
What NEVER To Say To A Woman

>>>DATING QUESTION FROM A READER:

I have recently started to like this girl a lot.
We hang out almost everyday, and everybody that is
around us say that we act like we are going out.
We flirt all of the time, but i dont want to be
the one that admits that i like her first. I have
also become really good friends with one of her
friends and she told her friend that she likes me
and everything, but she hasn't really had too much
experience in dating.

She is one of the nicest girls in the world and
she is very pretty so I dont really understand
why. I really want to tell her that i like her,
but i have read your book and you always seem to
push getting the girl to admit it to you first. I
think she may be too shy to do this though. Would
it be ok to admit it to her first in this
situation? I know you probably think hanging out
with her everyday seems needy, but she is the one
that calls me everyday and it is very hard to turn
her down. Any suggestions would be greatly
apreciated. Thanks.

>>>MY COMMENTS:

Nice.

Well, today is your lucky day... for today I'm
going to give you advice that will probably be
PRICELESS to you.

First, let me start with some ranting, raving,
and confusing double-talk, then we'll get to the
good stuff.

I'll begin by verbally abusing you for not
paying attention to what I say, then drift into a
little bit of talk about exactly what to do in
your situation.

I hope you can tell I'm in a fun mood...

THE VERBAL ABUSE:

It's annoying when I go through all the trouble
to explain a concept in detail... and try 100 ways
to say it in my newsletters, eBook, etc. and then
someone JUST DOESN'T GET IT.

In your email you say:

"I really want to tell her that i like her, but i
have read your book and you always seem to push
getting the girl to admit it to you first."

Now, what I'm about to say might sound a little
bit "trivial" to you. You might call it
"semantics", like the smart people do.

But, pay attention.

CLOSE attention.

I do not recommend that you get a woman to
admit that she likes you FIRST.

Getting a woman to admit that she likes you
"first" naturally implies that you "admit it"
BACK.

And I DO NOT say, "admit it back" OR "admit it
later" OR anything else of the sort.

Why is this so important?

Simple, really.

I personally believe that TELLING a woman that
you "like her" is one of the WORST things you can
do.

If you want a woman to know that you like her,
the best way is to have her FIGURE IT OUT by the
fact that you guys are getting PHYSICALLY
INVOLVED.

Let me confuse the issue further...

"Telling her" that you like her and "feeling
like you really want to tell her" are two
completely different issues, and they're BOTH
bad... but for different reasons.

TELLING her is bad because it takes the MAGIC,
the SUSPENSE, the MYSTERY, and the SEXUAL TENSION
out of the situation.

It pops the balloon.

It kills the chemistry.

FEELING like you want to tell her and then
asking about HOW to tell her is bad because it
shows that you're not GETTING IT.

Before I go on, I must tell YOU something in
particular...

What you REALLY need to get your hands on is a
copy of my "Deep Inner Game" program, and learn to
get some control over your emotions. I'm serious
here. Go check it out... it will help you BIG
time:

http://www.DoubleYourDatingProgram.com/e/13338/DeepInnerGame/?cid=HUZZZV&lid=2&ll=1

ANOTHER TANGENT

All right, so let's go off on tangent number
2...

You mentioned in your email that this girl
you're seeing is inexperienced in the dating
world.

If she's REALLY inexperienced, then you might
be in big trouble.

See, she might be falling IN LOVE with you.

All of this seeing her every day business but
not taking things to the next level (and feeling
like you want to tell her how you feel really
really really badly) might be setting her up
emotionally for a late-night drive to Vegas and
marriage vows at the Drive Thru with Elvis.

If a woman is inexperienced, then it's very
important that you NOT screw this up. If you do,
it might be bad.

Another thought: When you're with an
inexperienced woman, it's sometimes a good idea to
"dial down" the ball-busting and the Cocky & Funny
a little bit.

Instead of having it turned up to a 9.5, dial
it back to a 5.79235 setting. That will probably
work better for you and her.

WHAT TO DO

So, let's talk a bit about ATTRACTION.

It happens for reasons that are difficult to
explain to a person who has a "bad model" of how
it works.

But, let's just say that if it DOES happen, you
want to AMPLIFY it. You don't want to WEAKEN it.

One of the problems with "telling her how you
feel" is that it instantly changes the dynamics of
the situation.

When you say, "I like you" - in her head the
woman hears:

"He is admitting to me that he likes me, which
gives me all the power, which, for some strange
reason, makes me not like him as much anymore."

I realize that this sounds crazy, and doesn't
make a whole lot of "logical sense", but it's what
usually happens.

It has a lot to do with the fact that when most
guys say, "I like you" they sound like needy
kittens that just want to cuddle and suckle the
bosom of mommy... which isn't exactly "attraction
creating" stuff.

If you want to "tell" a woman that you "like
her", the best way to do it is to ADVANCE
PHYSICALLY.

In other words, TAKE THINGS TO THE NEXT LEVEL.

DO something, don't SAY something.

Words are to be used when ACTIONS don't work
better.

And this is NOT one of those cases.

Remember "The Kiss Test" I talk about on my
website?

Use it.

Remember the sequence that I describe in the
bonus booklet that you got with Double Your Dating
called "Sex Secrets"?

Use it.

But DO NOT "tell her how you feel".

Unless, of course, you want to drive to Vegas.

Finally, let me give you some advice about this
situation of "she calls me everyday to hang out
and I can't turn her down".

TURN HER DOWN.

I know, I know... Powerful.

If you're in love with this girl and want to
marry her, have kids with her, drive your cute
brats to soccer practice in your white minivan,
and wear lots of Dockers clothing, then forget
what I'm telling you.

Who knows, you might have found one of those
rare, wonderful women that so many of us are
looking for.

BUT, if you're just at the stage where it's
time to take things to the next level, then do it
with your ACTION, not with your WORDS.

ouspec 2007-05-13

既是一篇很好的恋爱教科书也是一篇英语学习教科书，不错。

jasongreen 2007-05-13

good

rainly 2007-05-13

嘿，说白了，不就是欲擒故纵！

swflora 2007-07-13

很好得文章。

我来翻译几句：
First, let me start with some ranting, raving, and confusing double-talk, then we'll get to the good stuff.
首先让我来段激昂、含糊、费解、不知所云的话，然后我们再来说些有意思的。

If you're in love with this girl and want to marry her, have kids with her, drive your cute brats to soccer practice in your white minivan, and wear lots of Dockers clothing, then forget what I'm telling you.
如果你爱上一个女孩，想要和她结婚生子，开着白色小货车送你们的孩子去练足球，并且穿很多Dockers的服装，那么就忘了我跟你说的话吧。